Do you even really need to go to the gym?

Nope! Just hop in a time machine, go back 200 years and enjoy your life building buggies by hand and eating pork scraps, brown bread and carrots. You’ll be rail thin and strong as a whip!

But also live to be like 43.

With the comforts of modern life — those wonderful things that preserve our life span, stave off disease and allow us to break from the shackles of hard labor – also create an environment where…well, to put it bluntly, we get slow and fat.

The gym is a freakish concept — simulate manual labor, work until you feel nearly sick and then drink a reduction of animal protein that tastes like chocolate or drink a reduction of coconut that tastes like sweaty feet.

We are beasts of burden, like it or not, and when that “burden” is not carried, we suffer.

Zoo animals suffer the same fate. You take a tiger, hold it in captivity and it lives twice as long (no joke, they post these things on the plaques over their enclosures) but also suffer from gum disease, dementia and obesity. What a weird world.

Look, “the gym” is about the strangest concoction of human behavior that we have, but it’s not as strange as it could get. If our modern lives, for some reason, forced us into extreme isolation the natural “social force” that is burned into our DNA must be exercised, so we pretend that volley balls are people and lament their untimely death.

If, for some reason, we elect not to have children, we take on the parental instinct and treat house animals as if they are human children (no judgement!) and carry them around in strollers, prepare cute outfits and have birthday parties for them.

The instincts we possess are strong and largely undeniable. So, I’m not saying you “have to go to the gym” but you have to do SOMETHING or else the beast of burden within will get fat, slow, lazy and complacent. There is vigor inside you — stoke its flames and watch your life transform!

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